I sit my apartment on Halloween night; actively ignoring my school work and have “My Hero Academia” on pause. I’m looking at the ceiling, thinking about my life, my recent therapy session, and my current situations. I’m just thinking, ” I aim to be so many peoples’ hero. But who is my hero?”
Is it God? Is it my mother? Is it my mentors? I’m not sure, because I see the flaws in everything. Who is there to save me? What do I need saving from? Am I asking to be saved from something that is not a danger while there is a more dangerous demon lurking in my shadows?
I cannot attack my own demons if I’m busy attacking others. But this is the life I chose. I chose the life of impact. You can tell from my demeanor, my choice of career, shit, even my blogs sometimes.
I know I’ve changed lives in my time, and that empowers me like nothing else, but heroes need to be saved too. What if I’m ignorant to my hero because I’m too focused on everybody else? What if my hero is not a person or even a living thing? What if my hero is…me?
It may sound absurd, but at this point, it really seems like it’s up to me to save myself. I definitely have people that keep from going completely wacko and I love them, but I have to stop myself from drowning and swim to shore. All they can do is throw the life jacket.
Meanwhile, I’m jumping in the water to save folks and end up drowning myself sometimes. I’m not asking for handouts or even for anyone to care enough to reach out. I just want to be able to save myself without survivors’ guilt or leaving the people I love behind. That’s all.
Thanks for reading.